Parents Co-Regulate Kids' Nervous Systems
The Science of Co-Regulation
Anxiety can be contagious, but so can calm and connection. This dynamic is called co-regulation: a psychological term for when one person's nervous system regulates another's.
Babies do very little self-regulation, they mostly co-regulate off their caregivers. That's why we can soothe a baby by picking them up or patting them. As we get older, we increasingly self-regulate and rely less on co-regulation with others.
Part of the process of co-regulation is checking in with a trusted person's facial expressions, body language, words, and general vibe to see if things are okay. It's: "👀I'm worried. Are you worried? You're not? Are you sure? Okay. 😎 "
Lawrence Cohen, author of The Opposite of Worry, Playful Parenting, and more recently Unplug and Play, explains this process through one of my favorite parenting parables.
Parents are Second Chickens
Dr. Cohen is a licensed psychologist specializing in children's play and play therapy. His work is recommended again and again. When Dr. Cohen was in middle school, he did a science experiment on chicks (without harming them). It was based on the "freeze" response in flight/flight/freeze:
